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Golf Jokes

Two lawyers play golf ...:

Two lawyers, Jon and Chuck, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Chuck a bet. “Let's say we bet $50.”

Chuck agrees and they're off.

After the 8th hole, Chuck is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he said to Jon.

After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Chuck pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I've found my ball!!!” he announces.

Jon looks at him. “After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”

“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”

“And you're a liar, too!” Jon said. “I’ll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

Finest Equipment ...:

Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.

I'd move heaven and earth ...:

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

The Gospel According to St. Titleist ...:

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
- Grantland Rice
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
- John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
- Robert Lynd
If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
- Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
- Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
- Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
- William Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
- Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
- Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
- Bishop Sheen
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
- Arnold Palmer
My handicap? Woods and irons.
- Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
- Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them !
- Buddy Hackett
The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
- Billy Graham
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
- Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
- Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
- Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
- Jimmy DeMaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
- Ben Hogan
If I hit it right, it's a slice ... If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
- All Us Hackers
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
- George Deukmejian

And Finally ...
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
- Lee Trevino

Caddy Replies :

#-10:

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"



#-9:

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."



#-8:

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."



#-7:

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy : "Eventually."



#-6:

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."



#-5:

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."



#-4:

Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."



#-3:

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday ?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."



#-2:

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."



And the #-1 ... Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

This one's for all golfers ...:

In 1923, Who Was...

1. The President of the largest steel company?
2. The President of the largest gas company?
3. The President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. The Greatest wheat speculator?
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world's most successful people of their time.

Now, ages later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company,
Charles Schwab ... died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson ... went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney ... was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger ... died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
... shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore ... also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf happily with good health until he was 92. Died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Work moderately and play Golf seriously.

The Laws of Golf:

1. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

2.Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

3.Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

4.Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

5.No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

6.The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

7.Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

8.Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

9.Palm trees eat golf balls.

10.Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you ?

11.Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

12.A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

13.All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

14.Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3 above).

15.A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

16."Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

17.The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

18.The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

19.Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

20.All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Uncle Frank:

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" ... "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." ... After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" ... "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" ... "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." ... "Okay, Daddy!"

-A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." ... "And what happened?" ... "Well, Mommy jumped out of the room and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug, fell down, and now she's crying in pain." ... "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" ... "He too jumped out of the room, and he was all scared and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead." There is a long pause ... "Swimming pool? Is this 2284-7039?"

The golfing family ...:

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive . . he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer .

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to? The bride is pregnant..."

Caddy Advice:

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.

So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..."

When I Was Your Age:

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Which end is it ?:

A Golfer has been slicing off the tee at every hole.

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems.

The caddy replies, "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club".

The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says, "No, the other end".

Golfing Quotes :

"Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." -- Winston Churchill

"Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." -- Jack Benny

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works." -- Lee Trevino

"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." -- Unknown

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Babe Ruth

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." -- Lee Trevino

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." -- Lee Trevino

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." -- Sam Snead

"[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it." -- Tommy Bolt

"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet." -- Tommy Bolt

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." -- Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." -- Jack Lemmon

"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron?" -- Lee Trevino

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." -- Unknown

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." -- John Updike

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." -- Unknown

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." -- Gerald Ford

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows." -- PG Wodehouse

"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." -- Bob Hope

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." -- Ken Harrelson

"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

Never lie about your handicap!:

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his
handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman' s bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the
left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman' s ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman' s ball came to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcerned.

"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this hole's stroke index is 17, you don't get a shot here."

Women are clever !:

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
GILLY GILLY CHHOO ... and she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
GILLY GILLY CHHOO ... and she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
he man had a heart attack ten times "MILDER" than his wife !!!
Moral of the story:
Women think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show !
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen !!!

Never lie about your handicap!:

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

One hole behind !:

A guy was playing golf one day, and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him, and went to her for advice: "Mam, can you please help me, I don't know which hole I'm on" She replied, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again, kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again, but I'm lost again, can you please tell me which hole I'm on" She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her, and continued playing golf.

When he finished, he saw the same lady in the clubhouse. He went up to her, and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales" -replied the lady. The man said, "How funny ! Even I am in sales ! What do you sell ?" She said, it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell Sanitary Napkins".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "But, you promised me you wouldn't laugh". He replied, "I'm sorry mam, but I couldn't control my laugh... I sell toilet papers... I'm still one hole behind you !"

Golfer & Caddy:

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Golf at any cost !:

Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.

The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.

The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.

The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.

The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM. He woke up, rolled over and asked his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".

How Golf got name :

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken !!!

Small World:

Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours.

"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting.

"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife and the other's my mistress!"

"I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back before reaching the green.

"What's wrong?" Bill asked.

"Small world, isn't it?"

A golfer standing on a tee:

A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, "Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain."

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, "Of course."

To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.

When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.

After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.

"Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

John Dorsey:

A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world."

The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."

Steve Hobbs:

Four retired men play golf together once a week for many years. One day on 16th hole that runs along side the highway, a funeral procession drives by. One man says to the others, "Stop and remove your hats, show some respect."

Afterward, one of the other men asked him what got into him. "I have never seen you show anybody any respect."

The first man replied: "I was married to her for 65 years."

Ralph Schiefer:

Last words of a golfer standing in the woods? "I can see a gap."

Dom Smith:

A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, "Did you have a good time out there?"

The man replied "Fabulous, thank you."

"You're welcome," said the pro. "How did you find the greens?"

Said the man: "Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!"

Eric Bronsveld:

I was playing with this 85-year-old man recently on a course that I was unfamiliar with. On the third hole, I asked him what's the best part of the fairway to be on, and he replied, "the top."